Making breakfast for example should be a very basic task as there are only so many foods out there. My kids generally eat waffles, pancakes, cereal or a bagel but I can assure you that whatever I choose to make its WRONG and never fast enough. “I hate waffles now, “Why did you put peanut butter,” “my pieces are too big,” “I need a green plate, NOT a yellow one” are phrases I hear every damn morning and it’s getting old. There are often mornings when I feel like a chef at a hotel making a breakfast buffet for 30 only to see my 2 ungrateful kids staring at me in frustration. I honestly can’t wait for the day they finally make ME breakfast and I will be sure it consists of at least 6 options, none of which I will eat.
2-Getting out the door is now an hour long process
Gone are the days when you can throw your shoes on and run a simple errand. The last time I had Jett come with me to Walgreens (under my building) it entailed 9 trips to her room to change her outfit, which of course ended in her blue dress. She then needed a pocket book, her baby, its stroller, a snack, her backpack and of course a lipstick. I will never understand the need for all this crap to run downstairs but it’s not a battle I’m interested in fighting.
4-They have no patience
It always blows my mind how small of a threshold kids have today when it comes to waiting. Whether it be a tv show, a snack, or the need to watch some weird kid unbox toys on YouTube, it needs to be instant. I remember when I was a kid and I wanted to watch Saved by the bell I had to check the paper TV guide for it’s showing and wait all day till it finally came on. Or better yet, when I wanted to go to AIM (aol instant messenger) I would connect my dial up internet and wait an eternity to finally get into that chat room. Kids these days will never know the struggle.
5-You will never sleep like a normal human being again
There really isn’t much to say here as it’s pretty self explanatory. Even if your kids are the best sleepers as babies, I can assure you their true colors will come out. They will eventually be waking you throughout the night or coming into your room to ensure you sleep no more than 4 hour stretches at a time. They don’t give a shit that you have work or even worse a life! They want to know you’re awake at all times thinking and worrying about them, and only them. And don’t be surprised if your toddler wakes you in a screaming panic to inform you that their sock fell off.
6-Trips are no longer vacations, but simply relocations.
Remember when going away over December break was the highlight of your year. You get a manicure, pedicure, buy cute new bathing suits, pack your 6 SPF and go. You would lay at the beach all day, drink Margaritas all night and sleep in till whenever you wanted. They were glorious and you never wanted them to end and have to go back to reality. Wanna know what vacations are like with kids? Well, I can sum it up one word…HELL! You start packing a week before and their entire closet is in tow. What if it rains, is chilly at night, suddenly snows in Turks and Caicos, you need to be prepared for it all. Your plane bags are filled with crap ranging from diapers, wipes, hand sanitizer, a years worth of snacks, toys, books, crayons, headphones, candy and an iPad. All of which your child will use for a total of 18 minutes and then spend the remainder of the flight asking how much longer it is. But once you get there, it isn’t any easier. It takes you the full day to unpack all your shit, figure out where the kids are sleeping (knowing full well they will end up in your bed) and need to ensure they are fed, hydrated and covered in sunblock before finally heading to the beach. You then pack up all that shit again because god forbid your kids are entertained by sand and an ocean and shlep it all down to the beach most likely carrying your ungrateful kids who are complaining that it’s too hot and sandy here (why did we come again?!). You will hopefully keep them entertained all day and an in ideal world lay out for 6 minutes while they are eating their 4th ice cream of the day. They will hardly touch their $16 grilled cheese, complain that they miss their toys and obviously sleep like shit. And you will do this all day every day for the remained of your stay. Good times.
7-You will no longer have personal space
No matter how much space I have my kids will always find me. If we’re watching a movie both kids are on my lap, if we’re in a cab both kids are on my lap and if we’re at a restaurant you better believe both kids are right there on my lap. Where is Shai you ask? Oh he’s right there with me, however my kids have decided that MY lap is the place to be.
8-It’s a job that you will never get paid for
Now I’ve had some jobs that were not easy, they tested my patience and my general liking of the human race but at the end of every week I got paid. Being a mother is the hardest unpaid job you will ever have! You not only have the title of Mom, but are also a chauffeur, a chef, a stylist and a cleaner. You have to figure out schedules, make weekend plans, babysitting arrangements and playdates and in many cases have a “real job” as well. When your kids are happy, they want to share their joy with YOU, when they are hurt they need YOU to make it better and when they are sick they need YOU take the pain the away. Don’t get me wrong, I sometimes get high off the fact that they like me more than Shai but it’s hard work and you will never see a penny for it.
9-Your body is no longer your own.
This starts from the moment you conceive and your body transforms into something that resembles something you would see in National Geographic. The huge belly, the dark nipples, the black line on your stomach and the fat ass. But it doesn’t end there, once your kids get older they become FASCINATED with your naked body. I realize that if my family had boundaries our kids wouldn’t know every detail of my body. But we don’t, so they do and holy shit are the curious! I get everything from “Can I squeeze your boobs”, to “Why is blood coming from your pagina” and you anytime Jett sees me in a thong she asks me to “shake my tushy” and yes I always comply.
10-You can do everything for them and they will still hate you
I still remember the first time Jagger told me he hated me. It felt like I was being stabbed in the stomach with a knife. I literally cried for what felt like hours and could not get the words out of my head. My son, who I do EVERYTHING for hates ME?!?! Well, let me tell you something, it may have been the first time but it certainly wasn’t the last. When I tell him I won’t sleep with him all night, or that he can’t have another cookie, or his iPad , that little shit tells me hates me. Well, guess what kid, sometimes I kinda hate you too so there! I must have told my parents at least 1,000X I hated them and they were ruining my life but unfortunately its all part of the territory. We can give them the world and they will always find a way to remind us how much we fucked them up. I suggest you find a good therapist and lock them up now.
Want to know the craziest part of this all. All of this, the exhaustion, the time, the money and the sleepless nights are absolutely worth it. When your kid is scared and holding your hand makes them feel better, its all worth it. Or when they randomly come tell you they love you, its all worth it. And when you know your presence is enough to make them feel safe…It’s just all worth it.